Mary Long is a hypocrite
She does all the things that she tells us not to do
Selling filth from a corner shop
And knitting patterns to the high street queue
She paints roses, even makes them smell good
And then she draws titties on the khazi wall
Drowns kittens just to get a thrill
And writes sermons in the Sunday Chronicle

How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long?
When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long?

Mary told Johnny not to write such trash
Said it was a waste of public money
She made a fuss, they made apologies
But everybody thought the show was funny
When the nation knew you'd had children
It came as such a surprise
We really didn't know you'd had it in you
How you did it we can only surmise

How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long?
When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long?

Mary Long, you're not alone
But you're a long way behind our times
What we do in full frontal view
Is more honest than your clean-up mind
What I'm saying, Mary Long, is
When you can spare a minute
Go find your friend the porny Lord
Dig yourself a hole and jump in it

How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long?
When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long?